FROM THE OPENING TO THE SHOW
After it’s over, when you know it for a
fact, there’s that period where the world
always seems to be about to break.
Time is more fragile, days are thinner.
I would sit at home like milk on a step,
slowly souring in the sunlight. Friends
would arrive at the flat in hazmat suits to
listen to my take on the break-up, but
hoping not to have any toxic doubt spill
onto them and into their relationships.
I’d see experts – one analyst would invite
me on walks with him and his angsthound, a
dog specifically bred to sense existential
crises in others and react with the correct
levels of affection, or disinterest,
whichever was appropriate.
A hypnotherapist put herself into a trance
to give me her advice.
But otherwise I’d put all my energies into
lethargy. I felt paralysed from the heart
forward. When I left the house I imagined
the people I passed on the street were
marchers in a vast chaotic parade of the
lonely, unaware they were even participating
in a lifelong performance art piece,
celebrating and justifying the fundamental
non-connectedness of society.
But then I thought, cheer up!
FROM PART TWO - UNITS OF WRENGTH
I remember I was coming home from Molly’s.
Molly is not an alcoholic nor a drug addict,
but she had organised her own intervention,
or what she called “a party where I am the
theme”. She had just wanted to talk about
herself all night, and thought it would be
nice if everyone she knew came over and did
the same. Or, better, actually just listened
to her. Not so confronty. It was the start
of what would, within months, become a fully
enclosed introspection loop, fuelled by
Text-Witter, Friend-Acebook and barrels of
processed narcissism, where Molly would talk
so much about herself and the things she’d
done, her opinions about herself and the
things she’d done and her opinions about her
opinions about herself and the things she’d
done, that she would entirely ignore
everyone else, and eventually disappear
through a hole in her own
self-consciousness.
But she hadn’t always been so solipsistic.
She’d been out-going, she’d go out. I’d met
her years before at a concert sponsored by
the Department for Euphemisms (itself a
euphemism) given by the Trio Quartet (they
were named after the chocolate bar) and we’d
gone out. She had worked for Twee Couriers,
London’s slowest but most adorable messenger
service – freckly redhead girls in berets
and cardigans with school satchels, on bikes
with big bells and wicker baskets – and our
paths crossed many times. I always
recognised her basket from the sticker –
“Home Tracing is Killing Art.”
Alice. She’d just left a job, writing
acronyms for the British Abbreviation Board,
or, as it’s usually known, the B. Right now
she was a disclaimer writer, but she didn’t
write all disclaimers. Her current
assignment was for a council who were
getting their message across using taggers
spraying public information graffiti across
town.
Disclaimer writing, of course, wasn’t a
full-time job. She worked weekends as a hair
salon stenographer, transcribing treatments
and conversations for staff and customers.
We arranged a friend-day which would go on
her year-ring, I expected. We meet at
Storehenge, a shopping mall built in the
exact configuration of the megaliths. We
move between the retail units like bees,
touching fabrics, picking up gadgets,
sensing a future if we owned these things,
being noticed by assistants and then buzzing
on. I pause at space helmets in a toy shop,
a travel agent advertising Italy. For lunch
we take a table in the food circle. I have a
plate of rattle asparagus, she has a portion
of paragraphi lasagne, the logical
descendant of alphabetti spaghetti. She
wants to know more about me. I tell her
about my past work as a Thwart, about me and
Radium, and although she acts interested, I
get the impression she knows these things
already.